How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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