A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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