i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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