He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
