my phone needs a breathalizer
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
