Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
