i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
