If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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