I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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