It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.