Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
