remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
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I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
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I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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