does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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