she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize