Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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