Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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