Swine flu. Run for my life!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
