Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she peed on how many people?
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Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
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She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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