i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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