god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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