Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is Oprah even human
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
