I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
