Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
