I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
