Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
