...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
