if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
