My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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