Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
