Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
