time to smoke my breakfast
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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