im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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