I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
