saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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