I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
