Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
