I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Randomize
