I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
