OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Maybe he injected his testicle?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
