If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
