Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
