Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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