i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
