I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
