My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So vagazzling was a success
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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