I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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