We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
