So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
