My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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