3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
