This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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