I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
