physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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