The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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