I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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