the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
